A Word By Heart..

blog template :P

2011-09-17T00:59:00.000+05:30

This blog template looks like some Marriage card ..right? Its so bright and all red-red..and the color combo too.I know. :P Each time I come to my page..i think of changing it...and other moment i dismiss d idea..and smile with a wink ...rehne de yar.There's one more reason..it keeps me reminding smthing ,that now its time to order print some hundreds of cards .. :)

The Drama Continues !

2011-05-06T16:52:00.005+05:30

Sometimes I feel like I'm a character from some blockbuster novel or play. My life(till date).... and incidences(variety of).. that happen to me....seem quite dramatic...all the time

.Be it The one big family I belong to...with the package of "ham sath-sath hain".....baggage n burden of middle class(no offence) etiquette,values,dreams,aspirations.... and the most...society fears("log kya kahenge").....friends..residing in town/metro cities....with their experiences they share ....experiences from personal,social,professional life....... ..neighbours....with their killing sense of understanding and sympathy...relatives...with their extreme concern(interference) and affection ....The Sarkari (Govt.) colleagues...including Babus(clerks),Adhikaris(officers) and peons
or the new 20 people(at least) I meet daily with....showing 101 strange shades of mankind....anyways.

I think many people feel the same...once or often in their lifetime...when the stories they heard/read long before... from any real life source...actually happen to them.When they see ..feel the same things & situations around...with them.

Its funny and exhausting both...at the same time.

I watch people....their actions..I listen people..their dialogues...I observe the behavior... tone...words...attitude..and feelings involved...I guess their intentions...its all very much...

I think I don't get the "right" word.....and its even better :P

I sit blank...silently....and this is more frequent now.

One Wish !

2011-02-12T01:08:00.000+05:30

One wish

"To see an old woman on a bench in a park in a winter sunny noon with an old man besides her ,holding her hands...softly."
.
.
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.
.
.
.
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& that old woman resembles me !

Being 25 Someone..

2010-12-29T20:49:00.009+05:30

Aah long time...But it feels as good and satisfying as it was ,the day I wrote my first post on this blog.Hmm...anyws.

&l·Sometimes I look into mirror and wonder...at this point of life...when am 25...two years back,though its a long period but still not that much long ....I could not imagine in my weirdest dream.. I wud be here..life is quite unpredictable...but here only lies its beauty..in its unpredictability.You never know whts gonna happen tomorrow.

&l· The biggest change of this year...job...stable professional life...kinda I always wanted.My work keeps me busy interacting with lots of people daily....different people...have to deal with different tempraments...nature..perspectives...attitude....n lots of things..and everyone is unique in his own way...sometimes its pleasant...sometimes irritating...but its always interesting for sure.By each passing day,I learn something.

· Its been an year of change ...an year of drastic change..

At this age you start talking less..and listening more.You start taking life seriously.....means you start being coward...hmm dn know....but you are always thoughtful...of lot many things....you look before you leap.coz now none of your actions can be taken as kiddish...you have to be responsible of both ..your actions and your words.

·You start loving and caring your parents a li'l more...reason can be they dont seem that much rigid & authoritative as they used to...earlier or you now realise what its really like to be parents....and you are overwhelmed before them....or you feel yourself more responsible now...of taking good care of them.

t; ·You identify with people easily now ...with whom you can be friends...with whom you may have issues..on the level of compatibility....so you start acting accordingly...shud I say you become more intelligent...ahh No.

Of course you look better ...and sometimes your best,you ever looked till date...this feeling is satisfying...and that day you love yourself a bit more...and may be someone else too.. :P

& ·You are quite clear about what you want in your life and what you don’t.Can’t say whats the exact reason but you start feeling yourself stronger comparing to your yesteryears...stronger in no. of aspects.

Now you are living in one real world...no fascinations...you see things as they are...and when everything is perfect... you doubt.

One more thing,you almost hate your relatives,who are left with no other job than to find you a right match.Once you get married....anyhow..means anyhow...than they will live happily ever after.HUH!

·You think about love ...you think about money...you think about future...you think about marriage... :P sm other time.

Life moves on a faster pace .

Jyoti Sahu :P

2010-11-02T18:07:00.004+05:30

It's like.....any other day in a govt. office...it can be..lot of people in premises...buzzing noise all around...everyone seems to be quite busy...
He's a man of age around 40-45....dark complexion....with a bulky figure..put an application on my desk.I notice the name at the last and signature too.

I ,-"one minute Sir,but you will have to get them here.".
He,-"who?"
I,-"Jyoti Sahu." (with an expression-"who else?")

Saying this I put my head into work again,thought people really want their work to be done ,sitting at home only,take some time out yar.But soon I realise He's still here and ....about to ask something..but I don't get the reason.

I (look upon him ,try to smile even ,though fake)-,"Sir,get madam here someday,and it will take only 5mins.But she needs to be here for that purpose."
He(Finally gathers some courage ),-"but Why does she need to be here Ma'm?"
I ,-"I will talk to you only when Jyoti Madam wud be here."
He,"Are Ma'm but I am Jyoti Sahu only"
I(with real surprise in eyes),-"You are Jyoti Sahu?"
He,(in a low voice)-"Yes".
Till he completes his "yes",I dont know how( how kya anyone cud have done the same) ,
I repeated,-"You are Jyoti Sahu?"
huh!
Till Now everyone around us was aware that I had a doubt about his name...and his identity and don't know , many more things :P ..And people were looking at us...

He,-"Should I sign again in front of you?"
I,-"aaaa.....yes"(pleease..and don't shout after that :-S)
He signed again,and I found it was his sign and his "name" too :P
I smiled in best close-up smile(of gratitude..that he dint shout),
saying-"Ohh Sir ...thats fine,absolutely fine"

Who says, we always know when we are making a mistake?
I thanked to my God!
Pheww!! :P

A New Birth..

2010-10-30T16:39:00.007+05:30

Its strange and charismatic alltogether how life unfolds itself... from one page to the other..other...which is blank..totally..like a long played song on a music player is changed..it gets your sudden attention...and you quite unlike it...when everything becomes a null....completely...Its like a beautiful painting on a canvas is cleaned up by a rag atonce...and now there's no color..no images..no sound...no emotions...no feelings..no hope...no dreams...no likes..no dislikes...everything is okay...and everything is not..and interestingly you are sure of one thing, you never get to know.."what wrong did I really do to get this"....

And gradually Life takes a "S" turn,I would say :P......and leaves you smiling. Each block of life itself connects to the right place.....& the music is On...once again.
"It" is like a new birth.

Today!

Life Teaches you!

2010-01-15T21:31:00.007+05:30

Life teaches you...yes it does . I thought I knew myself...but I was wrong.I thought I had not been wrong...but I was wrong...I thought destiny betrays...but I was wrong..I thought things will never change..but I was wrong.I thought life has ended...but I was wrong.

Actually its real difficult sometimes to accept your faults..specially when you are going through tough time.....but as time grows and you see the picture articulating number of perspective then you smile and say..."ohh yar,ye toh hona hi tha.".

Acceptance is Bliss & Destiny has its own rewards!
:)

Being 24 Someone

2009-09-03T18:24:00.009+05:30

Being 24 someone..and again Its not about years or time but more about the growing phase...growing at personal,social and perhaps so many levels.It is bit different for me from what it could be for anyone else,reasons are many though not quite obvious ones.Let it be.
Now I am being counted among grown ups,childhood finally gone (though not really,I am not gonna leave that innocence ever ) .I dont know why,but somewhere I am sure that this year gonna be a turning point of my life.Or should I say it is..actually.

I see everything like a curious kid.The world is new and bigger,the people are interesting and ambitions are on a high. Now I know a bit more about everything।My world is expanding।I have a better understanding of people,relationships and their right place and importance in life।I have a more clear picture of society ।I know a bit more of "me" today.I am a bit closer to everyone.

Though being rich in many virtues,I now feel I'd been unknown to one major aspect that's called "Individuality".I'd kind of time that kept me at bay to this word".I dint know the meaning of words like "I", "Me" ,before.
This is the age when someone really searches out for his/her identity.Uniqueness through which he/she should be known among people, now onwards.At this age we need to have a place in people's heart,a place in the society we encounter with. It can also be taken as the only thing that keeps you motivated to do better and better by each passing day.
This time , just after you complete your college , you see a totally new world . The real world.One thats not smooth , it's rough.You find out that life is neither black nor white,it has a shade of grey.Many a times you find yourself being trapped between rights & wrongs, mind & heart, Moral & logics.It all needs a good balance between the two,and this ratio defines actually the way "You" are.
This is perhaps the peak of youth,when you have so many things on your mind to do,so many aspirations,so many dreams.You are full of viguor and with each of your achievement you tend to love and pamper yourself a bit more.You want to try each and everything you see around.No doubt money has an important role in your life to play,and in today's time...sometimes most important.
You see things from a better perspective.You work on yourself,sharpen yourself.You put yourself in challenging situations at times and check if you can survive through them well.You go out of your reach to meet new people,new ideas,new perceptions.You are quite fascinated towards new things in life. Things that may keep you interested.

You know well what's right and what's wrong coz you have just left the place of idealistic thoughts , the concept of perfect world and people.But as you are in the process of establishing familiarity with this real world..you see and listen..and understand...somehow contradictory concepts.
Sometimes you are just full of hope and courage or............. sometimes even aggression enough ............that you can change the scene.But later you realise actually........ problems always 'have been more or less same,those faced by our ancestors.....and today us......ranging from professional life,society ect .....to personal one.It all depends how you take it and if really try to make a change . You have got two options One - do what everyone's doing or does or would have done , Follow things blindly.....unconsciously....a path to a monotonic life, Second - take a path,you think is right and better.The way you wanna spend it.....things you wanna do..see things your way,do things your way.
So you know somewhere inside...things gonna make you confused in near future...and that's your test actually.One that life takes !!

You love your people.You love your friends and you tend to go out of your way to save them,to keep them happy.You face times of failure & disappointments...and sometimes mistakes.But if you are a positive persona..you take each of your mistake as lesson and things become easy then.One major aspect.....lonliness .
Sometimes you feel a need of a person,or of an ideal relationship.That can put you in your higher spirits each time you feel low.It can b anyone who may keep you motivated...towards positive part of life . Anyone..means anyone,who don't let you feel tired... or inefficient.Someone who can be always there with you ,in your difficulties.Most importantly....One who trust you and in your abilities.

So over-all, there are so many things.

Sometimes,I feel awesome.
Lovely phase.

He asks 'Why should I marry' !

2009-07-14T17:24:00.012+05:30

It begins from the very first day itself,where the coy looks,eagerness in her expression covers a calm desire to change everything.While you put an earnest front to actually impress her,she is studying your body language,your table manners and the alignment of your nose and mouth.
For starters,she decides your grooming plan.With the commencement of the main course,she judges your relationship with your family,by desserts she casually ask about your women friends.By the time you have dropped her home,she's worked out a long term plan for your rehabilitation.Of course,she's picked up her share of the tab,for equality of sexes ranks high on her social etiquette.But trust me,that is the last time,she pays for anything.
So,you begin courting and are surprised that she's easy going.She lets you choose your clothes,agrees to your choice of restaurants and movies and befriends all your women friends.

The Transformation :
When the courtship converts to marriage,there's an organic power unleashed which quietly transforms her.Gone is the tolerant ,confirming woman to be replaced by an artist who is hell-bent on bringing a renaissance in your life.Your old friends are either too complex or uncool and any independent social activity will meet with the retort,"Why did you marry me if all you want to do is hang out with your friends?" The most extinct species in your relationship will be your platonic female friends.
The T-Rex may have a chance of reappearing but not them.The reason-she will be crisply cordial to them,because she expects the same reciprocity towards her Male friends.
Many a battle will take place on this battlefield.You will now need to ration your feelings for the rest of world.She decides on the movie,the restaurants,the holiday destinations,the design of the house,your clothes..you pay for her jewellery,put her name in your investment beneficiary,even let the in-laws stay at your place for one month,yet she makes you feel as if you haven't done enough.

True Lies :

The only thing you did without her knowledge was taking toilet breaks,but the dribble on the toilet seat 'reflects your upbringing' . Slowly you seek recourse to that one important glue which holds many a marriage together-the fine art of 'white lies'.
You could smoke a cigarette,spend an idle afternoon with your college mate,link up through Facebook with an old platonic woman friend..only a white lie will help to cover this.Try coming home one day and proclaiming,"Honey ,I'hv decided to take Salsa classes !".
Strangely,the absolute truth is the biggest casualty in a marriage and you realise that lies,deceit and quiet compliance with slow suffering becomes the order of the day.Compromise is king.So why marry and mould yourself,why check into an institution where there's a self-assessment test each day?
Any answers?

Source : extracts of an artical
Interesting,funny and quite true!

'

I/W

2009-06-02T18:06:00.004+05:30

And my mock interview feedback was---"Poonam ,your eyes speak louder than you."
:O
It really made me confused for a sec. ,and I looked back abruptly.The panel smiled..so did I.

Personal Dictionaries

2009-06-01T21:35:00.009+05:30

There are lots of words which were always there in my dictionary of life but not with these meanings.Its amazing ,you think of a word and how instantly an image or impression takes shape into your mind.God almighty is really a great creater.

Same words can have different meanings for different people.It differs quite due to the life we live.... our individual encounters throughout and now I feel Age too play an important role.As I get completely different images when I speak them.what about you.
Take a look..

I ...Me.... only "Me"

You....your

Love....Friendship

Family..... Relationships

People....Society

Being practical...Faith

Values....Conscience

Lust

Beauty....manner

Originality

Mind Games

Marriage

Character

Adjustments

Honesty.....lies

Strength...weakness

Commitment

Career...Money

Educated....literate

Pride....Ego

Affection...opportunist

Fake...soul

Life...death

Human...animal

and many more...

And "Love" has been most beautiful word for me.It makes me what I am.
:)

Strange!

2009-05-17T03:22:00.003+05:30

Have you ever been in a state when you get the thing, you desired for passionately... still you don't feel as much happy or content as you have ever hoped,you would. Therr's always something missing.
And sometimes things you never thought can please you ever,gives you tremendous happiness.

Yes,its strange but it happens..

Quote

2008-10-27T19:16:00.010+05:30

If you are meeting frequently,keep a check.You are likely to fall in love.So..better stay away from Dogs/bitches.

In One Word

2008-09-12T16:08:00.001+05:30

In one word..my life is ..."Miraculous".

Finally..

2008-09-11T16:34:00.009+05:30

Finally...the day came.A alot of people in house,noisy it was.I was the only one running all around..the provider..someone needs tea,the other coffee,kids cold drinks....ahh,it was damm tiring.But the day proved out to be memorable one.. surprising...left so may people with tears in eyes and smile on lips together.

She came to me,took chair.. said in a low volume,"its all final.".
And I atonce turned to her,it took me 2minutes to accept the fact that she's really going.I was damm happy for her..more than anyone.She too was all in tears but I could see the shine too.I gave her a warm hug like an elder sister.I knew she would miss someone today.She often says,"you know you are a born mother."
Suddenly I got up..ran for a packet..unwrapped it..took a plate, went into drawing room.I am a responsibile volunteer..so I had to offer "mithayi" to everyone now.
Seeing me everyone smiled back.
:)
I was so..soo happy for her,it was completely a new moment for me..it felt like a younger sister or daughter of mine is gonna get married..a sudden feeling of peak happiness with a feeling of loosing someone so dear....anyways..
Though she is my aunt(pa's sister), almost 1.5 times of my age but she's more like a sister or a friend..and I'hv been her all time counsellor,guide...and atlast one and only niece.But I never knew she loves me this much..she really does.Each time I see her now,I silently pray..may God bless her with all the happiness and goodluck.

Miss you..

2008-08-16T14:29:00.004+05:30

I got a call from him.
He asked,"should I come back? as its quite late now.As you only, always ask me to stay there when its late.".
I said,"Yes..sure.do come.We all are waiting for you yaar.please come soon."
And there he comes...I see him.He looked bit dark and low.Though its 11.30pm but still its day outside.We all were having lunch..probably.He took a deep sigh and landed on sofa,seemed tired, still relaxed.
I went to him,kissed him and asked,"where'd you gone yar...I miss you."
He kept silence.

and I open my eyes slowly..it's 6'o clock in morning.
Suddenly comes into my mind..ohh,its raksha-bandhan today.
And I simply..smile..
thanks Bhai.you came.

yeah...it was a dream,Lost him two years back in a road accident.and he was only 27.
Life...

Later told my aunt(pa's sister),I saw him today.And she said,"you know...you'r one sacred soul.that's why things like this happen to you only." Her words reminded me of something else.
I smiled..again...

Stranger

2008-08-08T18:34:00.003+05:30

It was around 11 in morning.And he just took the same auto I was going for.Anyways he let me sit first (at left side) and then rushed inside the auto.Had a heavy bag with him.Auto driver asked him to put it up there at back side and the poor guy had to.But then only I felt my handbag slipping down my lap and I gave him a irritate look..he got scared.But as I held it back I found actually, my bags strap got shuffled with his bag's and so..I felt sorry ,couldn't help but smiled.I observed him later only,he was nice,smart and well behaved.
Trying to be humble,I started the conversation.He was very kind and attentive in replying to me.
Me-"so..going home?"
He-"yes".
Me-"which school?"
He-"R.K.Mission."
Me-"Ohh,thats very good.which class?"
He-"7th." (then the proud man looked at me and returned a sweet smile with dimples in both of his cheeks.)
And I was lost.He was damm cute.
Me-"My bro too's been a student there.Teachers there are quite strict ,right?"
He-"yes..they scold really hard and give alot homework."(and I could see we were friends now)
And the conversation kept going on till our stop.
He made my day.I still remember his round fair face,bright eyes and dimple smile.
Now my eyes search for him each time I go onto that route around 11.
:)

,

2008-07-15T19:55:00.000+05:30

got my hands burnt....badly...
Later..

am nowhere

2008-04-26T12:28:00.008+05:30

I am completely unable to understand where my life is going..what it wanna let me see and experience.Two strong pillers of my life...'hv been holding me tight ...making me stable...and I dont find any of them now...they both have atonce....left me all alone in this world.

I dont remember if I did anything wrong to anyone.
The selfishness of this world has torn me apart...the selfishness of people who still try to make me believe in their love,care and affection for me.
Lies...lies..lies...
"I Love you" really aint the words I wanna hear anymore...not atleast once.These seem to be the most fake words.Coz the assurance they give to you ,more they make you dependent on them.I always say to people I love,that am always there for you,but there isnt a single person who can say this to me now.

I feel so lonely...

Quote

2008-04-12T21:36:00.002+05:30

Strangers are always soothing and known...disappointments.

Purani jeans...

2008-03-18T16:04:00.015+05:30

Purani jeans....ar guitar.

Mohalle ki vo chhat......Aur mere yaar
Vo raaton ko...jaagna
Subah ghar jaan ....Kood ke deewar
Vo cigarette peena ....Gali mein jaake
Wo karna daanton ko....Ghadi ghadi saaf

Pahunchna college.......hamesha late
Vo kehna sir ka ......"Get out from the class!"
Vo bahar jaake....hamsha kehna
Yahan ka system ....Hi hai kharaab
Vo jaake canteen mein....table bajaake
Vo gaane gaana ......Yaaron ke saath
Bas yaadein Yaadein Yaadein reh jaati hain
Kuchh chhoti Chhoti Baatein reh jaati hain
Bas yaadein..
Vo papa ka......daantna
Vo kehna mummy ka.....Chhodein ji aap
Tumhein to bas......nazar aata hain
Jahan mein beta .....Mera hi kharaab
Vo dil mein sochna

Kar ke kuchh dikha dein
Vo karna planning.......Roz nayi yaar

Ladakpan ka vo pehla pyaar
Vo likhna haathon pe.....A + R
Vo khidki se......jhaankna
Vo likhna letter ....Unhein baar baar
Vo dena tofe mein .....Sone ki baaliyan
Vo lena doston se......Paise udhaar

Bas yaadein Yaadein Yaadein reh jaati hain
Kuchh chhoti Chhoti Baatein reh jaati hain
Bas yaadein..

Aisa yaadon ka mausam chala
Bhoolta hi nahin.....Dil mera
Kahan meri jeans aur......guitar
Mohalle ki vo chhat....Aur mere yaar
Vo raaton ko......jaagna

Subah ghar jaan .....Kood ke deewar
Purani jeans
Aur guitar...

If you have heard this song then you might be trying to sing it while reading and

If you are a guy then you surely can relate to this..word by word.

Got to listen this song recently....and truely this is one real song,with no exaggeration of feelings.Lovely.I wish if I were a boy,I could do all these things...I think even much more than that.They are blessed with born freedom..

agony....

2008-03-10T19:31:00.001+05:30

Have you ever been in a state.......when life seems to be drowning you away...far from all of your anticipations..........when it becomes a predicament...

Like something is slipping away your grip....the harder you try..the more it slips..and what you can do only is to watch...you find yourself helpless...

Like.....your heart is being stabbed with knives....each time...you think of it....but still what all you can do...is..to recall it again..and again..coz thats what you are left with...

Something clutches...inside..you feel it near your throat...

when the fresh air ,each time you breath in.... intoxicates you more than before....when no color of life attracts you....no music relieves you....no word heals you....your very own hopes turn into the source of despair....you hate each and everything around....you run from things that have eased you anyhow....ever in life......the more beautiful the more poisonous...you start hating life passionately..far more ,than have you ever loved it....

You run from yourself....from your dreams once you had....you hate your own voice...your own thoughts....your own perceptions...your own smile....a tear roll down your cheek..,each time you come to mirror...you look into your eyes...deep within...stare..without making a single squint....asking many questions to yourself....but all remain unrequited.....

Nothing gives you pleasure..in this materialistic world...with each bite you take,each sip you have.....these days,you swallow one of your anxiety...

All the people smiling...seem to be the most stupid ones....as they still don't know what life is....as they too are living in mendacity of people,relationships....

Life becomes the whole of melancholy...nothing else....rain is no more pleasant....water doesn't drench you...sun doesn't heat you up....bed doesn't relax you.....

There is a burden on your heart....heavy...which you could feel ..each time you breathe...each time your heart beats...each time your eyes blink...each time your lips smile...it aches...but ,with time...it passes away...in the flow of tears...with these salty tears....

......and time comes...when there is no more mournings...nothing has left to you...within you...nothing in heart...nothing in mind...you feel your soul hollow...inside..

you become brusque....blunt......to each happening..............nothing affects you...good or bad...you don't smile...you don't frown...you don't cry...you don't beg......you don't complain...as you have become numb to all of these....

And this pain is doubled.....when you have to go out to your rut...you have to dressup daily in the same way you have been,for years....you have to work..smile..talk..laugh....even dance....you have to do all this to keep the people away from your agony....Coz you just can't share ....to anyone....coz it makes no difference at all...

you feel...suffocating.....

Give me a wish..

2008-03-10T18:13:00.002+05:30

Ain't it strange...YOU and this mighty world of your
The more you give, actually the more I starve for

When I was young,I wanted to be older
now When I'hv grown,I wish to be a kid again

When there was Sun...I longed for rain
But I cried for Spring...when rain came,

when spring prevailed..I urged for an autumn
and when leaves left...I demanded bright Sun

When I needed Love...you gave me pain
And all my prayers were gone in vain

But then only once Luck....showed up to me
When days became lovely & nights dreamy

I embraced it all & grasped it tight
and then you left me...alone and deprived

When I worshiped you...you always betrayed me
when I betrayed you...you gave me everything
except...
I was not me anymore... I was lost...

Now..I don't ask you for anything
But you have to fulfill .....my this very single wish...
Either..let me know really ,what can make me happy
Or,make me way,I can be happy with whatever you give.

quote

2008-03-09T23:16:00.000+05:30

Only eyes speak the truth,neither the mirror nor the lips...A true beloved who cares for you can see the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believe in your smile.

Different needs of Men & Women

2008-02-10T23:37:00.000+05:30

Women need to recieve--

1-Caring
2-Understanding
3-Respect
4-Devotion
5-Validation
6-Reassurance

Men need to recieve--

1-Trust
2-Acceptance
3-Appreciation
4-Admiration
5-Approval
6-Encouragement

Every man & woman ultimately needs all tweleve.It isn't that women do not want to be trusted or accepted & men do not want to be cared or respected.But the above given are the "primary needs" of men & women that are quite different.What is meant by "primary needs" is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other 6.

Extract from a famous book.

Being 22 SomeOne

2008-02-09T21:51:00.002+05:30

This year only left me being 22 someone..hmm,its not only about figures or time,but more about the growing process...growing at mental,social and perhaps so many levels.The world around me is changing at tremendous speed.

This year is perhaps my last year in home.Completing my bachelors,would be leaving for job in next 5 months.It kind of attracts me but at the same time leaves me bit nervous.A totally new world is waiting for me out there.Being a gal would never be able to live with these people,the way've been since past 22 years...depressing..but helpless.As they say "to move on" is what called Life.Lets see what life has in its grand and auspicious store for me.

I dont find myself as a kid anymore,childhood is just on leaving edge...and youth has already made its presence.I am in phase of transitions..each day..sometimes, more than once in a day.It's quite intresting and at the same time scaring too that I know I will not b thinking the same way on a thing, the way I think now.There are things,people,relationships about which my perceptions have got totally changed in a small span of time..less than a year.
First I had my eyes only..then I practised to use my own perceptions...experiences came in addition...then learned to trust the exsistance of exceptional cases..and gradually following the process,seeing things using all the affecting factors..now I can see the picture on a broader canvas..my strong sense of right and wrong is fading...as you grow you gain flexibility in thoughts....you tend to believe almost everything is possible and one most important thing that nothing is really wrong in this materialistic world.Nothing really surprises me now...yeah!Nothing...
Life is quite confusing for me this time.There are so many temptations all around..to be bad is the easiest thing in this world.And to remain what you are is the toughest,this world doesn't allow you to be like that.People change...yes,everyone.Someone told me once,"do change...changes should always be embraced as far as they are improvements",nice thought,I wish I can remember this throughout my life.

I see people around me running...just running .. after opposite sex,love,good looks,money,and more money,everyone is trying to accompany the high society life..show offs are at peak this time,..I doubt if they know what exactly they are chasing for.Perhaps I too may not know what I want out of my life but I have a clear vision what I don't want to loose in this race.
I don't want to loose the real me.

I wish to have one life so that I may not regret of anything when I reach to my sixties.

Who I Am

2008-01-10T23:21:00.001+05:30

I find myself on a road joining two houses...one is his and one is my parents'.I see my self as an emotional cord binding these two ends together.I want these two to be happy,wealthy and blessed forever.I care for all these people.I see him enjoying his time with his family,they are dear to him,his mother,brother,sisters.They all are family.He's been with them for years...he looks so happy,I see him enjoying with my eyes smiling.

I see my parents enjoying back at my home....my brothers,my parents having their grand children in lap,uncle aunts,cousins..they all are family.
And me....
yes I know the answers...but still they dont satisfy my quest.

Quote

2007-12-21T00:36:00.000+05:30

"Its never " too " late......"
True

Lesson of Life

2007-11-27T14:24:00.000+05:30

What would you say if you are asked one question,"what's been the "biggest " lesson of your life ?"

For me its, "Never Say Never" . Yes..

Have you ever been in a state...you had never thought about..someday YOU could be in.
Once,when you had seen other people living them,it was "ch ch...so sad"..kinda.. not 1% more than that.It was just like,you saw,you asked,you felt sorry for them and you forgot.
Have you ever lived kind of moments,even thinking about which's been horrible to you.You thought it to b idiotic or senseless ,even imagining those things happening to you....but when you lived them,it was not so....not at all.

But you had to face it...and you did.And when you ask yourself...how you could...only one answer comes your way...." I had to.... ".

Now when I look back....I find past one and a half year had been quite suprising for me,each day,each month..I faced so many things...some incidents that were far beyond my imagination..
Some of them were tragic......extremely...stirred me up,my soul....some unexpected things....left me shattered into pieces..some made noise..some stayed silently inside me and my world, in one corner of my heart..some poured out through my eyes, leaving them swelled.

Life is really strange..now I scare using this word "Never"...I really do.Coz I don't know what life has in store for me.

Quote

2007-10-23T17:07:00.002+05:30

God never gets you in a trouble , you can't handle.Rather He wants You to know your Strength & Potential.Have faith in HIM & yourself...and you are through.
A Winner...always.

Somethings we never know..

2007-10-22T21:46:00.000+05:30

Some people come into your life to change your perceptions..specially about you.To prove you wrong each time you make an impression about them in your mind.Each time when you start believing your conceptions,they prove you wrong..they leave you puzzled...sometimes smiling..on no one else but yourself only and your logic.

After two years of obvious silence,he called me to wait in canteen ,through one of his friend.And First thing striked to me was..now what?I tried remembering on my way to canteen,if I had done anything in near past that can affect him anyhow..but,certainly I didn't find anything.And I was there with two of my friends(gals)...yea..I had to be there.He peered through the canteen door joints.And after some formal talks,as we had nothing much to talk about,he said,"am Sorry...sorry,for what all happened.there's nothing in my heart now.Everything is perfectly okay from my side."(with smile,a kind of ,when you feel more guilt while saying sorry,that too for a stupid thing).I too smiled,said,"oh..its OK yar."
Pause...
"ok..then,bye."
"bye."
And everything was fine now...well,not really.

We had some foolish but heated arguments once,and things got worse,more than we ever could imagine.I cried..allot.Though we had nothing to have an hatred for each other...that too for so long.
Yet silently we decided not to talk...we never did.

Though we were never best or good friends either...but just friends.Though people around us used to make stories(you know...as in college they tend to know..kiska-kis ke sath etc,anyways people have got full right to have their part of gossips),that hardly bothered to any of us.

I think whenever you go to a new institute or company,you remain quite interested in meeting,talking and knowing people ,with a hidden purpose of finding how they are,and with whom you can b friends.Consciously/unconsciously you tend to guess their nature.I was never interested in this,really..but do not remember ,even today,how we started talking to each other.

He is the only person who left me puzzled in the same way,no matter what I think of him.Now I can't say anything about him,confidently...except.."He is Strange." He doesn't talk much,but at times he did.He is gentle..but he had been the most harsh person too.He is intelligent..but he lost his one year,I doubt if he did it consciously..yeah..he can.He is quite introvert...yet sometimes I found him a confused soul.So..here I am still can't say anything surely abut him.
Don't know...but there is something strange between us.I don't know him well..yet I can feel a bond..emotional one.We haven't talked to each other since past two years,no call,no message..nor we are going to.But somehow I know , if ever I get into a trouble,and he gets to know..then he will be the first person to lend me a hand of help and the same is with me.I never want him to get hurt.I wish him to be always safe,healthy ,wealthy and blessed.

Somethings in life are beyond words..definitions..imaginations..logics.

GKD 1

2007-10-11T21:51:00.000+05:30

लाइबरेरी के पोरिट्को मे कार रुकी थी और उसके अंदर ही डाक्टर साहब की लड़की बैठी थी !

"क्यों सुधा अंदर क्यों बैठी हो?"
"तुम्हें ही देख रही थी चंदर ! ",और वह उतर आयी ! दुबली पतली ,नाटी सी ,साधारण सी लड़की ,बहुत सुंदर नही ,केवल सुंदर !
बातचीत मे बहुत दुलारी !
"चलो, चलो ! ",चंदर ने कहा !
वह आगे बढ़ी ,phir ठिठक गयी ,और बोली ,"चंदर एक को चार kitaaben milatii
हैं ?"
"हाँ !क्यों ?"
"तो ...तो ..." उसने बडे़ भोलेपन से मुस्कुराते हुए कहा -"तुम अपने नाम से मेंबर
बन जाओ ,और दो किताबें हमे दे दिया करना बस,ज्यादा का हम क्या करेंगे ?"
"नहीं " चंदर हंसा -"तुमारा तो दिमाग खराब है ! खुद क्यों नही बनती मेंबर ?"
"नहीं ,हमे शरम लगती है ,तुम बन जाओ मेंबर हमारी जगह पर !"
"पगली कहीँ की !" चंदर ne उसका कंधा पकड़कर
चलते हुए कहा -"वाह रे शरम ! अभी
कल ब्याह होगा तो कहना ,हमारी जगह तुम बैठ जाओ चंदर !कालेज मे पहुंच गयी लड़की ,अभी शरम नही छूटी इसकी !चल अन्दर !"
और वह हिचकती ठिठकती ,झेंपती और मुड़-मुड़कर चंदर की ओर रूठी हुई निगाहों से देखती हुई अंदर चली गयी !"

थोड़ी देर बाद सुधा चार किताबें लादे हुए निकली !
कपूर ने कहा-"लाओ ,मैं ले लूँ !"तो बांस की पतली टहनी कि तरह लहराकर बोली -"सदस्य मैं हूँ !तुम्हें क्यों दूँ किताबें ?" और जाकर कार के अंदर किताबें पटक दीं ! फिर बोली ,"आओ बैठो चंदर !

"मैं अब घर जाऊंगा !"

"उंहू ,यह देखो !"और उसने भीतर से कागजों का एक बंडल निकाला और बोली -"देखो! यह पापा ने तुमारे लिए दिया है !lucknow मे कोन्फेरेंस है ना !वहीँ पढने के लिए यह निबंध लिखा है उन्होने !शाम तक यह टाईप हो जाना चाहिऐ !जहाँ संख्याएँ हैं वहाँ आपको खुद बैठकर बोलना होगा! समझे जनाब?"उसने बिल्कुल अल्हड बच्चों कि तरह गरदन हिलाकर शोख स्वर मे कहा !

कपूर ने बंडल ले लिया और कुछ सोचता हुआ बोला -"लेकिन डाक्टर साहब का हस्तलेख ,इतने प्रष्ठ ,शाम तक कौन टाईप कर देगा ?"

"इसका भी इंतजाम है "-और अपने ब्लाउज़ म से पत्र निकालकर चंदर के हाथ मे देती हुई बोली -"यह पापा कि कोई पुराणी इसायी छात्र है ! typist !इसके घर मैं तुम्हें पहुचाये देती हूँ !मुख़र्जी रोड़ पेर रहती है यह !उसीके यहाँ टाईप करवा लेना और उसे यह ख़त दे देना !"

"लेकिन मैंने अभी चाय नही पी !"

"समझ गए ,अब तुम सोच रहे होगे इसी सुधा तुम्हें चाय भी पिला देगी !सो मेरा काम नही है कि मैं चाय पिलाऊं ?पापा का काम है यह!
चलो आओ !"

चंदर भीतर जाकर बैठ गया और किताबें उठाकर देखने लगा -"अरे चारों कविता कि किताबें उठा लाई ?-समझ मे आएँगी तुम्हें?क्यों सुधा?"

"नहीं ,"चिढ़ाते हुए सुधा बोली "तुम कहो,तुम्हें समझा दें !economics पढने वाले क्या जाने साहित्य ?"

"अरे !मुख़र्जी रोड़ चलो !"सुधा बोली -"चाय पी लो तब जाना !"
"नहीं,मैं चाय नही पियूँगा !"चंदर बोला

"चाय नही पियु गा ,वाह!वाह !"सुधा कि हंसी मे दूधिया बचपन छलक उठा !-"मुँह तो सूख कर गोभी हो रहा है ,चाय नही पियेंगे !"

बंगला आया तो सुधा ने महाराजिन से चाय बनाने के लिए कहा और चंदर को study रूम मे बिठाकर प्याले निकालने के लिए चल दी !

This is a page from a novel "Gunahon ka Devta" by Dharmveer bharti.My first novel ever ,in hindi and one of my fevorits.I don't really want you to loose its charm by knowing its story itself,but for the reference purpose only, I tell you ,this is a story about a very ordinary girl of sixteen and twenty-two year old guy ,use to come to her place often to meet her father.Who helps him in completing his degree.They both are quite familier to each other,upto which extent...they themselves don't know.There are two more girls,one is the cousine of this girl and other one is a mature christian anglo-indian.

This story compels me to think alot of things,including "is it necessary for each relationship that exists in this world ,should posses a well defined name?There may be some bonds that are beyond definitions.Sometimes no one is wrong,its only circumstances and time that make them doing wrong things,choosing wrong options.

Though as you are done with d book,you may think there cud b a better title for this stroy,yet d way writer has narrated it,is excellent.You will fall in love with each of d characters.And d most amazing thing is,you just cant blame any character for anything.They all seem to b right at their stand.

And d girl "sudha" is just darling.So much innocent,cute and lovely she is ,as story starts..but how circumstances change her is worth reading.Three girls of three type,one loving and responsible father,one gentle friend,lover,one simple husband,one crazy brother...so many different characters and their lives,stands,thoughts,perceptions, and their dilemma.Wonderful novel with tragic end.

helpless..

2007-09-24T01:37:00.000+05:30

I have never found myself this much helpless...i do not know whats going on..but i scare...

Have you ever been in a state....when you feel you are loosing control over yourself...you know that you are not feeling well...there's something wrong with you..but you don't know d solutions too...you are completely unaware of how you may react to something ..next moment...

thers something...contantly going on in mind,but you know you are strong enough to face it....you are trying to avoid it..ignore it.but d moment you think you have won,you find it standing right in front of you.

Things were perfectly okay with me...how could this happen to me....

Am trying hard to kick it behind and move forward...but it isn't leaving me...

am dying..inside..

Help me God...

Nothing At All..

2007-09-20T18:00:00.000+05:30

It's amazing..How you can speak....Right to my heart
Without saying a word....You can light up the dark
Try as I may.....I could never explain
What I hear....when You don't say a thing

The smile on your face....Lets me know..That you need me
There's a truth In your eyes.....Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand.....says You'll catch me
Whenever I fall.....
You say it best....When you say Nothing at all

All day long I can hear people...Talking out loud
But when you hold me near....You drown out the crowd
Try as they may...They can never define
What's been said Between....your Heart and mine

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know ....That you need me

You say it best...When you say..Nothing at all
You say it best ...When you say....Nothing at all

(Ronan Keating..wonderful song with wonderful music.love it.)

IfOnly-

2007-09-19T22:09:00.002+05:30

Don't know if its just a coincident or I feel like...whenever am going through some problem,things happen in a way and i get my answers .

Anyways,recently i'hv developed an interest for english movies..have seen some and one of my friends suggested me to watch "IfOnly" and in order he arranged it too for me.

I give you a brief incase you havnt seen it,

The story revolves around a young couple.Who are so much in love with each other.One night d guy dreams of a day,it seems like
any other day of their life but in end of the day girl dies in an accident.Apprantly when he gets up next morning,for a moment he gets scared seeing his girlfriend alive,he couldn't believe it was all a mere dream....well day starts in real,and things start happening d same way he had seen in his dream.He cudnt understand what all is going on and what shud he do? What if all the things he saw are going to b true..means if hes really going to loose her today.He is confused whether he should b happy for he has got a chance to fulfill her dreams,to live one more day with her or he shud worry for he will have to live all those moments once again,he'll have to see her going once again .He finds himself very helpless.
But he prefers to b silent and asks her what if she has only one day left.She very innocently tells him alot of things she wud like to do...and here begins a fight with time.He wants to stop time but all he can do is to fulfill all her wishes,may b by going out of his reach.He does everything she tells him.And the girl remains completely unknown to all of this.
And what happens at the end of the day is quite surprising.Though whole day what he tries is to stop time or change it anyway...but as he finds it impossible he starts going with it and in the end victory is all his.You know what happens in accident?...the guy dies..
It was touching...the story...the screenplay...everything.

Dont know what director's motive is But for me it has proved out something more than a mere love story.During past few weeks am fighting with something...yes,"Time".I did everything I could do to change things but for my utter surprise am there only from where I started...nothing could b changed.I tried so hard,called so many prayers to God,tried so hard,and at last cried my heart full... but all in vain.Nothing helped.I dnt know it isnt that am feeling like a looser or depressed one...but yes one thing for sure I have learnt,time is d most important element of your life.If its with you everything favours you o/w you would b at loss,no matter how harder you try.

Its only " Time",that makes you understand things,make your realise your faults,gets you know the value of things you possess,the value of moments you have lived once,the importance of people you had have around once.

Its better to respect it.
" The only way to win over Time is go with it! "
I read someone's blog a time before,and find some lines which he too had read somewhere...it touched me too.
"If ever you find yourself on a crossroads and you cant decide which one you should opt then choose anyone and walk on....it'll definately take you where you should b,no matter what choice did you make"

Now I have stopped fighting with it.opposing it....rather trying to sail in d direction its taking me towards.Its not a surrender..it leads me to have more patience,courage and confidence.Lets see what happens....

Quote

2007-09-16T17:14:00.000+05:30

" Nothing is wrong in this world.....only if a right person with right cause doing it at a right time. "

NameCeremony

2007-09-02T20:06:00.000+05:30

So finally we get a name for him.

It was js second day of 7th sem,and he was doing like we had our endsems right after two hours!!huh!

Takes "Encryption and Network security" ,though his lecture could be more intresting to us(us means intelligent girls-->our class has two groups,intelligent/ratttu girls.hope you understand this word "rattu" well),but he almost ruined its charm in very first lecture.
The topic going on was "Intro-Encryption and Internet Security".So,somewhere in between he uttered,"Threeets"..yea right it was, what you read.I at once jumped to my friend,sitting left to me, in confusion...and found her eyes towards me..I think we both were like...awe!...did we hear right,or he said something wrong..it was like we were the two true linguists in the world.Afterwhile he said something inbetween the lecture,"There are two things,one is Attack and other is Threeet(well..it was threat,till now we had come to a conclusion).He used this word "Attack" for atleast 20 times,in each succeeding line.And this way his name ceremony was done.[:D].He has got a new name,though unknowingly,"Attack".I think we tend to find a name for every teacher,asap.

Well his real name is"Subhash Chandra Maurya".Na Na,he has got no relation with "Chandra Gupt Maurya"(This came in my mind when first I heard his name[:P])

On a serious note,I think every teacher has a pet word,and uses it quite often.We had one physics teacher in first year,his name was ,"Clear",hope now you dont need an explaination.[:P] anyomore.And he used to utter this word "clear" so loud,like,"cleeeeeeeeaar"...uff.One more teacher I had in class 7th,her name was "Peechhe",[:D].Even if you are chatting on first row,right in front of her,she would scream like"ye peechhe kya horaha hai?"ye batain kyun ho rahi hain peechhe".
Now..I doubt if I too use a word repeatedly.Hope no one has done this to me ,till date[:-S].

Patterns...

2007-08-19T19:57:00.000+05:30

fi Time : 4.25am...feeling fresh.dim light in room...silence...though its still dark ...an illusion of morning is spread all over.Smell of very fresh morning breeze...coming through window...

A thought strikes me...."dsnt everything in this world follow a set pattern ?....it goes along a set path....smtimes a cycle..a loop...smtimes its js a straight line.....and thats what make evrything go normal..natural...

In other words....nothing is permanent in this world...nothing is stable...everlasting...everything varies...changes..our emotions..our priorities..our relationships..

" Life is continuous....yet never stable...its everchanging.."

Lets start from nature...Rules of nature are the best example I think to get the pulse of life...coz they are clear and live...

Earth revolves around its axis...completes its one circle and what we get is One day .It keeps going on...

Take one year...following same pattern.....when earth revolves around Sun ..it makes One year. And it keeps going on..

the same way we get different seasons...

Being a science student,have read many cycles..food,water,nitrogen,oxygen ...etc etc....but lets not consider all that boring stuff here...

Coming to point..."Life"..thats what we all dearly seek to define and understand....

Man comes here...an infant..he needs someone to get his works done,definitely parents...until he starts understanding things...learns expressing himself.....then increasingly he becomes able to do alot of things by himself.

But what happens after 60-70 years ...he gets into the same state once again...he gets old....and once again he needs someone to get his works done..this time,surely his children...(though if he is lucky enough)

Its difficult to guess why God has made life this way....wouldn't there be any other way ,men could live..

we sleep...we get up...we sleep...we get up...and if thers a gap occasionally....then again...this cycle carries on...nothing halts for anyone...ever..
we cry...we smile...we again cry....we again laugh....

we meet...we like...we love...we frown...we argue...we fight....we cry....we pursuade...then again we love...

and these incessant cycles...loops...lines...give life
the driving force that keeps it moving all the way..throughout...

is it what called life..... !!

It Works.....wonders!

2007-08-05T20:07:00.000+05:30

Scene 1.
she said "D,your eyebrows look great,from where do you get it shaped?" I ,at once jumped from bed,approaching the mirror.Very minutely checking my eyebrows,left...then right one..then both together...ooh,yes yar,they look good,this time the parlour girl has done good job.Giving her a bright smile i replied,"yea...i get it done from Chung-Li.She does really well."
As i bade goodbye to my cousine,i ran to mirror again,smiled..i found my face attractive.Don't know if really there was something better this time,or it was just an effect of one charismatic remark.

Scene 2.
We were in college...umm..no,i think she was here at my home,she was about to join gym,said",yar i wanna be like you.So that i can wear these stylish tops with jeans.I delighted somewhere inside....awesome feeling.

Scene 3.
We(our group)participated in Fresher's party.We started preparing a dance performance for our juniors.I choreographed it,though all my friends contributed.And even during auditions,teachers got so much impressed with our dance.People were approaching us to wish that we had done so well.We really were high in spirits those days.Wonderful moments of my life.

So many incidents,that remind me of my uniqueness.Thanks to those,who care to fulfill my this very sacred indigence,though unwittingly.What i think is,actually we all dearly starve for praise.Atleast i am one of those,who love getting +ve remarks.Whether its being done directly to me,or any of my possessions.I'hv seen people,they,if are said something good,would try to pretend,they really don't care,but observing ,you'll find how their nose twitch a li'l, their cheeks get a li'l pinkish.I think they doubt if one is making fun of him.
Start praising your loved ones,the people near you....Well,I do.Naa..Let me clear,it has nothing to do with falttery,i just remind them of their good things,try to raise their confidence higher.I mean , if i can add something good to their life,why shdn't i? I gladden them coz I love them and I want them to know their strengths.That's all.

Let me start..

2007-08-02T14:28:00.000+05:30

Let me tell you the story behind this title.I had been thinking about writing for a long time.One of my good friends, advised me,i should start only if i can write like a celebrity writer.And it killed all my confidence and deep desire to write anything.I almost started pulling out this thought of writing from my mind and heart.But some days back,my so very conscious mind told me,See am not going to take part in any writing contest,am going to write because i want to.Then why should i bother to write so artistically.So i am all set to pen dowm my thoughts and experiences here.And trust me i have so many things in mind.Meet you in my next post.till then ,tc.